After finishing David Sedaris’s Me Talk Pretty One Day recently, I felt inspired to write up one of my own personal experiences as an American abroad. Many procrastinatory hours later, here it is!
When it comes to traveling in Europe, pretending to be Canadian is the American way. That’s been the case for so long, I can’t even remember what exactly we’re supposed to be afraid of anymore. Still, it’s not terribly difficult to imagine why anyone might dislike the United States on principle (off the top of my head: politics, McDonald’s, war, the Kardashians, the Bush administration’s foreign policy, our undignified and tone-deaf clinging to the title of Greatest Country in the World), so the advice to wrap ourselves in the protective points of the red maple leaf and pretend to be one of our less complicated neighbors to the north seems unquestionably sound.
As a native Western New Yorker, I can fake Canadian better than most. I grew up less than 30 miles from the northern border and have the regional accent to match; I know all of the words to “O Canada,” and sing it often and with gusto; I can correctly name Canada’s capital (Ottawa, not Toronto), national animal (beaver, not moose), and national sport (lacrosse, not hockey); I can use words like “poutine” and “toque” in a sentence; and, although I wouldn’t be able to produce one if asked, I can tell you that the Canadian passport has both a griffin and a unicorn on it.
It’s an expertly, if completely coincidentally crafted disguise that I’ve never used once. I’m not sure why. Maybe I forget, maybe I just can’t be bothered, but I think probably I’m just that secure in my Americanness—not in the way that means I’ll put a boot in your ass, but in the way that means I’m okay letting other people get their grubby little misconceptions all over my sense of national identity. At the end of the day, those fingerprints wipe right off and my complex relationship with the country I call home is still entirely my own. I figure if someone wants to hate me based on where I was born, then that’s on them. I’m not obligated to lie to protect them from their prejudices.
And anyway, sometimes the Stars and Stripes offer their own protection.
In June of 2008 I was in Vienna, watching the irreparably imperial city play begrudging co-host to the UEFA Euro Cup Tournament and all its attendant football mania. Among other precautionary measures, the statue of Maria Theresia had been barricaded in her eponymous square, the collection of rare roses in the Volksgarten had been locked away from anyone who might pee or puke on them, and all portraits of Kaiser Franz Josef had been pre-defaced with silly mustaches.* It was all very theatrical, but the implicit promise of danger—“These crazy sports fans, there’s no telling what they’ll do!”—lent an attractive chaos to the final month of my semester abroad.
Walking home alone late one night, I noticed two men coming toward me on the sidewalk. I crossed the street to avoid them, and felt my heart start pumping instinctively faster when they followed me. Something told me I was about to have my first brush with foreign football nonsense, and I wasn’t disappointed.
Still under the weather, hence the truncated list. Turns out it’s hard to read when you’re asleep most of the day.
Bold indicates titles I’m re-reading
2 Major Milestones - Midwestern Berliners (Personal Narrative)
Rick Warren Not a Fan of this whole Jesus Thing - Daily Kos (News Commentary)
“I’ll Eat What He’s Wearing,” “Bend Over and Say Ah,” and “Diary Excerpts” from Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris (Humor)
Because life’s too long not to read, and too short to be embarrassed about it.
Bold indicates titles I’m re-reading
Chapter 11-14, Atonement - Ian McEwan (Fiction)
“Make That a Double,” and “Remembering my Childhood on the Continent of Africa” from Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris (Humor)
Because life’s too long not to read, and too short to be embarrassed about it.
Bold indicates titles I’m re-reading
“See You Again Yesterday,” “Me Talk Pretty One Day,” “Jesus Shaves,” “The Tapeworm Is In” from Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris (Humor)
Are You There Fashion? - Midwestern Berliners (Personal Narrative)
Chapter 9-11, Atonement - Ian McEwan (Fiction)
Because life’s too long not to read, and too short to be embarrassed about it.
Bold indicates titles I’m re-reading
“The Learning Curve,” “Today’s Special,” “City of Angels,” and “A Shiner Like a Diamond” from Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris (Humor)
Chapter 21-Epilogue, Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins (Young Adult Fiction)
Ein Ganz Unruhiges Kind (A Very Restless Child) - Midwestern Berliners (Personal Narrative)
Chapter 1-3, Atonement - Ian McEwan (Fiction)
Because life’s too long not to read, and too short to be embarrassed about it.
Bold indicates titles I’m re-reading
*Asterisks indicate titles in German*
Other notes: I’ve decided that audiobooks (like Me Talk Pretty One Day) will count, because the written word spoken aloud is still the written word. Internet content (like blog posts) will count if it meets the rigorous standards I’ve devised (read: if I feel like it should count).
A Shooting, and Instant Polarization - The New York Times (News Commentary)
Mad Men: A Little Kiss, Mad Men: Tea Leaves - Tom + Lorenzo (Pop Culture Commentary)
“The Youth in Asia,” and “Twelve Moments in the Life of the Artist” from Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris (Humor)
TG for the NHS - Anne Zander (Personal Narrative)
*Vorbemerkung, Das Romanische Café - Georg Zivier (History)*
Chapter 19-20, Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins (Young Adult Fiction)
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